I'm Learning

I am slowly learning to get over myself. I did not realize how selfish I was until I had kids. The more kids I have, the more I am being pulled away from the sin of selfishness that so easy entangles me.

I love to sleep. I love watching chick flicks while lying on the couch in my sweatpants. I love dressing nice and styling my hair. I love to cook and eat warm meals. I love the feeling of a clean house. I love eating dinners at restaurants with friends. I love going on dates with my husband.

I have noticed these "luxuries" are slowly disappearing. I have not had 8 hours of continuous sleep in a year. It is hard to wake up to feed a baby at 4:00am, rock her to sleep, fall back asleep, only to be awaken by another child at 6:30am. It is hard to soothe a crying baby during what use to be a relaxing nap time. It hurts to discover my clothes are shrinking after having 3 babies in 3 years. I long to wear stylish clothes and eat at fancy restaurants. There are times days have passed without having a meaningful adult conversation. It is hard to see zero results after spending days loving, disciplining, and guiding your children. It is rough to change an average of 15 diapers a day.

Being a mother of 3 small children is hard. At times I embrace motherhood. It is a calling like no other. Other times I want to run to a quiet place where I am served drinks and warm food while I relax on some random Caribbean beach.

Too many times I fall into the American way of thinking. We want comfort. We want things to go our way. We forget daily how blessed we are. One of my main goals as a parent is to grow grateful children. I do not want my kids to feel entitled to possessions and comfort. When their life is not easy or when they do not get what they want, I long for them to still know joy. I do not want them to expect their journey to go as planned. I desire for them to pour their lives into others, not themselves.

In order for them to understand true joy and selflessness, I must choose to daily give up my own desires for God and for them. I want to work tirelessly over a relaxed day. I want meet my baby girl's needs over sleep. I need to find beauty in cleaning spit-up an dirty diapers over highlighted hair or fashionable clothes. I long for God to use my tired, stretched out post-pregnancy body for His glory and not for mine.